(Written 5 months ago)
Last night when heartbreak prevented me from sleeping, I decided to do something about it. Rather than ignore my pain or try to distract myself from it, I endeavored to feel it.
I decided to close my eyes and bring my mind’s focus into my body, let myself feel the salt in my eyes, the highs and lows of my labored breathing, the regret, the fear, the anxiety, the hurt, all of it …I really let it in. Mindfulness in that moment, was practiced.
It wasn’t easy, letting these sensations I held at bay overwhelm me because it felt like weakness, like I was surrendering to ugliness, but I needed to. I realized that these feelings were being suppressed for so long and causing me even more pain, when all I had to do, was let them run their course.
It wasn’t easy, but I can say that after a good cry and release of all the bondage these emotions held me in, I felt so much better. I know it isn’t a cure all, and I expect the return of these feelings from time to time for a while, but the moment taught me that less resistance permits easier flow.
So in summary: I realized that though we all would rather resist or hold a difficult process at bay, it is important that we release the need to control things, and just let everything happen naturally…pain included.
Walk around and look for a body to put your passion in.
Then if it’s warm enough or cold enough, if it’s tight enough or hard enough, if it’s soft enough,
try and stay.
Be drawn to the ugliness but shun it out loud. Find comfort in the darkness but still seek the light. Be everything that you aren’t, seek truths you weren’t meant to find, feel caged in your ribs and spine. All these bones, all these lines… break them, cross them in search of something more than what you are and what you’ve been given.
Dream up worlds you can never live in and a life you can never live. Suffer for your wants, suffer for not wanting your needs. Scream at your creating palms because you are creation, created to dream and never to be as great as the one that made you.
Be in agony, beautiful, beautiful agony.
Let your pain decorate you. Let it make you wicked or let it make you pure. Let it leave you confused. Crave love and adoration like the god you imagined, and the way you imagined God imagined you.
Break and love the bleeding. Breathe it in. Be born again, as many times as you’ve died in your sins. Love this borrowed body on borrowed time.
LIVE.LIVE. LIVE .
My love is the kind that can be reasoned with. You can sit and tell it all the things that make you sad and unable to give back. It will hold you, cradle you to its bosom and care for you like the dying thing you are.
And I’ve found that a big part of me feeling like I have all of this to give, comes from knowing that someone is needing me. That’s the fuel. That’s the spark that keeps it all going. Knowing that another living, breathing thing is there wanting me and needing me.
Someone is missing the way that I smell, or feel under their hands, someone is missing my smile and how I make them laugh, someone is out there noticing me…loving me and all my details, taking time to read the fine print. Someone remembers me.
Someone remembers me.
I used to be ashamed of all these things that made love feel good to me but now I am in a place where I can admit to myself that these are wonderful, valid, very human and natural things. It’s okay to crave, it’s okay to desire, and it’s okay to desire being loved and wanted or appreciated as you know you deserve. It’s right. It’s all part of the equation to love yourself and find someone who enjoys loving you, with you, all while you’re loving them back.
So I’ve settled into the skin of it. I’ve submerged myself in the warmth of how “want” feels. I surrender to it all. I celebrate the way love feels to me. This is what it feels like in all the bits and pieces.
People often say the things they want you to hear first, mention the thing they secretly want to do but are afraid to admit to you first, and lie in halves to test if they need to give the whole truth first. All the while, they’ll wear a face that’s friendly, and toot the horn of care, but don’t forget that whatever the guise, manipulation is never an act of love.
And if your gut ever tells you that you’re being lied to,
If a voice is going without rest in your mind,
If something in their stories don’t feel right,
then chances are,
you’re on to something.
Surrender to yourself. Trust that you have the tools within you to discern who and what is here for you. And while nobody is perfect and everyone gets a little cheeky and lies sometimes, manipulation is not something you should let slide.
Anyone who constantly skews the truth, uses guilt to get you to do what they want you to do, supplies you with poor excuses for terrible behaviour, uses a system of punishment and reward to get you to bend to their will, is a manipulator.
You often won’t need all the possible signs but a diagnosis is not needed in order for you to decide to choose yourself, happiness and peace of mind first. Let go of friends, lovers and family too, who seek to warp your emotions for their benefit.
Do not accept anyone’s selfishness as a form of love for you. Be open to the warning signs, be mindful of all the alarms that go off within you and if everything is telling you that this is not for you,
When dealing with emotional pain, rather than stay inside my body, I find it easier to bury myself in someone else’s. I lose myself in the warmth of another and forget my pains completely.
This is the kind of habit that digs holes for me to fall in and never leaves a good way out. So I’m watching myself attentively, remaining mindful of all my urges to run and abandon self when I’ve become too overwhelmed.I’m listening to my skin crave touch, I’m watching my hands grow restless, I’m feeling my ribs open up, begging to let my heart out or let someone in. I’m watching it, the way my body rebels under a calm mind. But it will listen this time. Because comfort softens but doesn’t strengthen, comfort soothes but doesn’t teach the lesson.
So I’ll remember to stay this time. I’ll remember that the desire for intimacy, doesn’t mean readiness for a union . I’ll remember that covering my agony with the kisses of someone else doesn’t heal my wounds, doesn’t advance my growth, but merely distracts me into something temporary.
And for a woman as full as I, anything good should never be temporary. So I’m staying inside myself this time and enduring my storms. Let the rain rage, let the sky break, let the thunder rumble on and the lightning rip through me. If there’s room for so much pain in me, then there’s room for the blessings to come.
I find it is hard to thrive under the watchful eyes of others. It is a nagging darkness that breathes down the back of my neck and whispers doubt into my ears. And while I’ve always been good at covering my ears and walking with my head down, my neck is tired now, and I can’t help but feel like it’s time I hold my head high and let only my feet touch the ground.
It’s sad to say, that the love and well wishes of others can feel like that- like heaviness and darkness weighing on the back and pulling you down. And while our loved ones want to encourage and want to love us into better versions of ourselves, sometimes they forget the importance of just giving us enough space and time to do so.
Yes, I admit, I’m a picky little thing that goes at her own comfortable pace. And while realistically, life does not often provide us with the opportunity to do that, I find that the opportunity is actually being provided for me right now. So I’m taking it, and I’m letting that work for me.
But I’m also learning the importance of stepping out of my comfort zone and moving at a pace that doesn’t always feel natural to me. Because I realize that while comfort provides contentment, it does not promote movement and so crawling at one’s own pace and remaining there can create more stagnancy than growth. (maaaaaajor learning point)
So while I’m being gentle with myself and trusting my process, I am learning to not be too relaxed in it either, because while at 24 it may feel like the world is at my feet and I just need to choose where to go, I’m sure that the reality is that the world can move from under my feet to over my head in minutes if I don’t take control of the pace at which I trod this life.
So in summary, balance is key. Yes I need my own space and need to take my own time in growing towards the woman I’d like to be, but it doesn’t hurt to feel the heat of the sun and go without a little rain sometimes.